I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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