I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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