HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
