1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
