I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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