My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
