Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
