If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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