The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
