I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
