You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
