you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
