Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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