That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
