i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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