Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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