can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
