I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
