I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
