My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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