You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
