There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
