I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
