never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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