Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
