he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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