life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
