youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize