i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
