Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
