The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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