The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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