i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
FUCK WHALES
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
