Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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