I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize