if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
