and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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