You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
