Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
