my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
