Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
And then he peed in my hair
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