My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
