Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
