my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
