Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
