Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize