I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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