Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
