So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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