If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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