Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
