You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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