I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
