The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
