3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i now understand why vodka
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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