He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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