I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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