I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
