Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
