My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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