Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
