New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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